heh turns out if i try and talk about my negative feelings they just get way worse ahhhhh yeah good cos like i feel bad that someon’es worrying about me and like i don’t wanna make anyone worry and stuff and idk whatever but anyways i feel like butts right now
[[MORE]]hi um what do you do when your boyfriend tells you he’s so lonely he wants to kill himself what the fuck man
goddammit why does everything always have to be a one-up thing? whenever I say I’m having a bad day someone always has to be having a worse one the worst is when I say I feel stupid and dumb for being depressed over little things and someone says well I feel depressed over little things too Does that make me dumb no it doesn’t only I’m dumb everyone else has a brain please...
I’m sad again oops
the worst thing ever is feeling yourself slip from okay to totally not ok in a matter of seconds it feels like this sinking pit from my head to my feet and suddenly everything looks different and there’s no tangible cause it just IS.
the one thing that really got me through the day though was thinking of brandon and stuff cos if i died he’d be a mess he wouldn’t know what to do with himself i can’t die knowing he’ll be permanently messed up and if im dead we can’t like kiss and cuddle and stuff so also my brother i mean he kinda needs me right now he just came out of the closet and i was the...
it’s odd, ya know? cos im looking back at these posts wondering how i could ever have let myself post that or feel like that or idk just processing how close it came today and how irrational i was and idk i feel fine now completely normal and all i can think is damn how could i have felt that way only a few hours ago the brain is a dumb weird place with all its chemicals and wrong stuff...
i mean if i died right now no one would even know for a few days i think tracy never comes in my room and everyone’ll just think my phone’s dead or something so i guess if im gonna do it im gonna do it
i don’t thiknk i have enogugh of my migraine pills to kill me but i have ibuprofin and my aunt has some vodka so that’ll probably do it
hahahhah good job tumblr thanks not letting my post my pathetic cries for help good call maybe i should go to the hospital
how much tylenol will kill me?
dammit i just considered taking myself to the emergency room but that’s fucking stupid plus i have work later and hospital could take all day
oh good now im crying cos the therapist i emailed doesn’t have any openings goddammit
the thing is no matter how much i wanna die im never gonna kill myself and stuff cos the thing is idk why i wouldn’t. i have no real reason to keep being alive. but i do anyways and ugh it just seems so useless.
[[MORE]]i don’t wanna bleed to death that shit takes too long and i would get sick watchin it i don’t want the last thing i feel to be nausea nope i’d take a bunch of my migraine pills and take a bath with like all candles and stuff idk i want it to be kinda nice im also really calm about it which is scary like normally i’ll wanna kill myself and instantly anxiety kicks...
i accidentally feel way worse than when i went to bed and i was literally coming up with plans to kill myself so idk how that’s even possible
i just emailed another therapist and ugh i gave up after the last one cos he said he didn’t have any openings and its taken me two months to try again this is so pathetic ugh
wow i feel like the biggest sack of useless shit man i fuckin woke up for class and just sat in bed so long i didn’t have time to go then i fucking did it again with my second class and i had a quiz in that class and fuck man im so sick of being too sad to get out of bed right now im thinking of potentially withdrawing from this semester and seeing a therapist or something and then just...
hah i wanna die don’t tell anyone shh it’s secret
jeez ok i have complex feelings about sex i have no physical desire for sex but i wanna sleep with brandon cos it makes me feel emotionally closer but like he keeps asking me about it and its making me feel really terrible and guilty and dumb and sad and i really wish i wasn’t like this so he could be in a dumb normal relationship with a person cos i mean other than that i couldn’t ask...
“but why are you getting drunk in a house by yourself on a thursday night jasmin huh?” its cos im a hopeless sack of awful that’s why so take a shot or get out biiitch
ok in the past minute or so i’ve moved past playing the game and now im just gonna do shots til i fall over sigh no one talk to me ever again
yeah i decided i was actually serious except i can’t smoke ciggies inside so it’s gonna be hits off my bowl instead lookin to get fucked up yo
im gonna play a drinking game by myself it’s called watch black books and every time bernard drinks you gotta also drink and every time he has a cigarette you also have a cigarette ill be passed out in no time haha yeah im not doin so good today
omfg noo [[MORE]]what do you do when your friend starts telling you about how she masturbates is that normal help i don’t know how to interact with humans dammit it’s weird cos like i’d never ever talk to anyone about any sexual details idk why people do it’s weird man i don’t like it
hey who wants to hang out and smoke a doobie with me? im a pathetic excuse for a human being oops
everything’s just getting worse I’m starting to feel like shit every day ugh how come I can’t just get happy pills without talking to anyone cos i really don’t wanna do that even though I definitely should sigh
im crying oops
im literally so depressed im gonna puke idk how to make it through the night
im really sad today and idk i guess that’s all but man im so dumb and plain and boring and stuff idk why i feel like butts but i do so that’s it
ive just done too much interacting in the past week im so drained and I wanna hole up in my room but I don’t have a room at my parents house anymore cos they gave my bed to the Swiss boy im just super wiped out and wanna curl up and die
hahahah woah about to start crying in the middle of exchanging presents at my grandmother’s house and that can’t happen I feel like a huge turd please punch me in the face
[[MORE]]the saddest thing i ever thought was right now and it was “shit i don’t have time to call a suicide hotline i have to work”
haha worrying endlessly about th day brandon realizes that dating an asexual sucks a lot
fuckin this is why i don’t put personal shit on my blog the second i did a couple people that shouldn’t give a shit texted me about it and like when have i ever ever ever come to you with private personal stuff if i wanted to talk to you i would i know youre “there if ya need me ok? <3” i just don’t need to talk to you about my life cos i know you don’t...
he’s gonna go i know it and something awful’s gonna happen its the worst cos he just told me he’s going so that he has money and can afford college and can get me and him an apartment and be happy and all but it’s gonna fucking kill me if he doesn’t come back somehow i honestly think i’d just keel over dead
brandon might join the army if he did i’d only see him occasionally over the next four years and i dont wanna do that he keeps asking me what he should do and i can’t very well say “if you leave i’ll cry every day and hate myself and maybe die” because that’s horrible and selfish and awful and im the worst person in the world and that i think is the moral...
holypeaches: the weather is gorgeous and I’m angry about it
i’m so sad i feel like i’m gonna throw up this is not normal send help
my chest is all tight and i can barely breathe haahhaahhahahahahaahahah wow so fun
my body wants to cry but i can’t idk they just won’t come out this is the second worst i’ve felt all week
going through the classes i can skip tomorrow and it’s most of them so i’m gonna because i can’t fucking deal with anythign
NO CRYING DOES NOT HELP ANYTHING S:FIJSD:LFHS:DLFKGJHS:ELFHJS:KFJHES:KJSHEF:OIH FOR FUCK”S SAKE FS:LDFJI:SELIJ :LFJ
erhhhrhhhhhh its that part of the relationship where he feels like he has to buy me stuff and i don’t want stuff and just the surprises and all i don’t like it idk i’m like the only person who doesn’t like nice surprises and idk romantic gestures or something idk i just don’t want someone to have to go to any trouble or spend any money on me ever and it’s not...
[[MORE]]i’m thinking of maybe seeing a therapist again idk i have some stuff to work through i guess
so idk i’ve been reconnecting with people a lot lately? me and michaela have been talking more although we’re better at just hanging out and stuff brooke is talking to me again my friend soc from high school just messaged me on fb idek if it’s a good thing but man i’m just rollin in the bitches rn
hahah happy halloween to meeee all my friends bailed on me every single one well not brandon yet but he’s not fucking coming who am i kidding idk why i expected anything different. idk man this is the one thing i ask of people. i don’t ask for christmas or birthday gifts, i don’t make people do stuff for me or buy me stuff. i just wanna hang out with my friends in salem on...
[[MORE]]gosh ok brandon keeps sayin stuff like callin me “senorita” and “lady” and idk shit like that and i know it shouldn’t bother me but it kinda does although i never told him not to do that so i shouldn’t complain it’s just that he never ever used to do that and now that he knows about ~gender he does it god i’m the most sensitive...